We all know at least one. Some of us may even have the pleasure of knowing many; either way, you know exactly who I mean. They take themselves just a bit too seriously—and hey, to each their own. But there are just SOME things that need to stop happening, for the sake of the planet and us awkward folks who don’t know how to handle the opposite of realness. Feel free to pass them along to the guilty ones, or find comfort in knowing that you’re not the only one rolling your eyes.
8. Asking 4234789 questions about their wine menu.
One inquiry, maybe two; I can deal with that. But your sampling and questioning about vineyards in Northern Italy aren’t helping you. In fact you’re just keeping everyone at the table waiting for their wine, and no one likes to wait for their wine.
7. Bringing your Coach bag to the gym.
If you do that, then I’m going to assume you can afford a personal trainer. In which case, stop making me question my old soccer tee-shirt at the gym and start using your personal trainer at home.
6. Wear your Bluetooth on your ear at all times.
Unless you are a member of the secret service, you have no excuse. Also I should mention that wearing a Bluetooth is almost the same as tattoo-ing ULTIMATE TOOL on your forehead.
5. Revving your engine.
I’m not a car person; but I can honestly say that even if I was, it still wouldn’t impress me. I’ve never heard anyone say, in fact, “Wow, check out that guy revving his engine.”
4. Swirling your wine before you drink it.
If you actually know the purpose of this—then you deserve to swirl that glass. But in my experience; 99% of people only do this to look fancy. And then it makes me question myself.
“Should I be swirling my glass?”
“Am I allowed to have my elbows on the table?”
“Do they notice the toothpaste stain on my jacket?”
“Shit, where did all my wine go?”
3. Showing too much chest hair.
One button undone is sexy. Two might even work depending on your level of smoothness—but no one wants to see anything beyond three. Is there even a point in a shirt after that?
2. Gasping at my inappropriate jokes.
My gram might actually be the classiest person in the world. But every now and then, she will drink a beer and tell a dirty joke. Nobody is too good for that; so stop gasping.
1. Pretending to understand every piece of art.
One of these days, I would love to march into an art gallery with the finest crew in Beverly Hills and hear one of them say “I have absolutely no clue what this is supposed to be.”
But instead, I will listen to your every interpretation, eat my little tiny tea sandwich and internalize my excitement for stopping at McDonald’s on the way home.
welcome home 